Retreats planned

7–14 November – 1 spot left

17–24 November – 1 spot left

December, January and beyond – enquire about your preferred dates. 

Why Is It So Hard to Release Our Emotions?

Letting go sounds simple enough. We know that holding on to certain thoughts, experiences or expectations can be exhausting. And yet, even when we understand this, we may find ourselves returning to the same feelings and stories.

What does it actually mean to release an emotion?

Sometimes we hold on to a person, an expectation, a particular outcome from an idea of how life should have been. Sometimes we haven't found a way to relate to certain emotions, we don't associate them with ourselves.

There may be good reasons for this. Something matters to us, feels unfinished, or we haven't yet felt the time and space to experience what happened. Understanding this can be a first step towards changing our relationship with it.

There is an interesting paradox in trying to not-think about something: the more we try to push a thought away, the more present it can become.Trying to suppress a feeling doesn't necessarily make it disappear. Part of our attention remains occupied with keeping it at bay.

Emotions and the body

Emotions are not just thoughts. They also have a physical dimension. We might notice a tightening in the throat, pressure in the chest, tension in the back or a restless sensation in the stomach.

There is a familiar idea of emotions moving like waves: rising, reaching a peak and gradually subsiding. But this wave-like process can become interrupted, perhaps because the feeling is overwhelming, because we don't feel safe enough to experience it, or because our attention immediately moves elsewhere.

Learning to notice what happens in the body can offer another way of approaching an emotion, beyond trying to understand or control it. Avoiding a difficult feeling often brings immediate relief. We distract ourselves, keep busy, change the subject or find something else to focus on. But when avoidance becomes our only response, we may never discover that an uncomfortable feeling can also be experienced, tolerated and gradually understood.

Trying to think our way out

Another way of keeping difficult emotions at a distance is through thinking.

We replay conversations, analyse what happened, imagine different outcomes and ask ourselves why things turned out the way they did. This is often called rumination. There is a difference between reflecting and going around in circles.

One useful distinction is between asking "Why does this always happen to me?" and "What exactly happened, and what can I do with that now?" The first question can keep us inside the same story. The second may open up a different perspective.

Some ways to explore letting go (A-B-C-D)

A)Address what you feel. Putting a feeling into words helps us relate to it with a little more distance. Simply acknowledging "I notice that I'm angry" can be different from being completely absorbed by the anger.

B)Become the observer. There is a subtle difference between "I am angry" and "There is anger in me, and I notice it." 

C)Come back to the body. When an emotion arises, our mind often starts constructing a story around it. What happened, who was right, what should have happened differently. Bringing attention to the physical sensations themselves can offer a different point of entry. Rather than immediately trying to change the feeling, we can become curious about how it is experienced.

D)Direct your attention. Notice what is within your influence. Much of our energy can go into trying to change things that are no longer within our control. Recognising where our influence ends doesn't necessarily mean approving of what happened. It may simply help us redirect our attention towards what is possible now.

Letting go is a process

Perhaps letting go is not so much about getting rid of an emotion as about changing our relationship with it. The pain of an experience is one thing; our struggle with the fact that it happened can add another layer.

Some experiences need time, understanding, expression or support. We can begin by becoming more curious about what what might happen if we no longer had to hold it quite so tightly.

Private online sessions available: yoga, meditation, coaching and psychotherapy, couples therapy. 

Retreats planned

7–14 November – 1 spot left

17–24 November – 1 spot left

December, January and beyond – enquire about your preferred dates. 

Let us know if you are interested in a Christmas stay! We always love creating a small community for people who have reasons to find Christmas an emotionally taxing period.

As nature slows down, autumn and winter offer a different kind of space. The quieter surroundings can invite us to slow down too: to reflect, write, practise and pay attention to what is happening beneath the surface.

After a deeply meaningful time in India, we look forward to welcoming you at Sharanam.

Much love,

Aleid & Doby